Being thin

I have always had a weight issue. Big, fat, whale...I have been called all these names and more. The sad thing about it is that the person usually calling me those names was me! I'm still having a hard time trying to get to a smaller size and it doesn't help when I love sugary sweets so much! I keep saying I'll cut back on the junk and exercise, but I never do! What happened to my motivation? It went right out the window with my relationship. Uggh. I'll lose weight...I just wish I knew when!

He doesn't get it

I did a blog this morning about my goals and now I'm going to do a blog about my feelings. I doubt anyone will ever read this and if they do, my life is probably highly uninteresting. There are so many more interesting people with interesting problems so I doubt my life will catch anyone's fancy. Anyway...

I have been in a relationship with the same man for 10 years. I'm 25, so I have pretty much been with the same man since I was a baby! When I got with him, I was so naive about how love and relationships worked. I had no experience in either department so I lacked any ability to compare my feelings to anything real because as I said, I was only 15. There are no 15 year olds that I know personally who have ever experienced a true relationship or real love, but like I said, what do I know?

If you have ever been head over heels about someone, then you know exactly what I mean when I talk about the "Honeymoon Phase" of a relationship. Butterflies constantly flutter around in your stomach every time the thought of that person crosses your mind. You see them everyday and yet when they leave your side, you miss them. That was how our relationship was in the beginning. Public affection was never looked down upon and all we saw was each other...we were all that mattered...nothing else.

Fast-forward 10 years later. I'm 100 lbs. heavier with 2 kids and completely unhappy. Don't get me wrong. I love my children and wouldn't ever trade any of my experiences or non experiences in the world for them, but I now realize why the relationship between myself and my husband is not working...he is emotionally unavailable and void of any type of understanding or empathy.

If I call him to tell him I had a bad day, he says nothing. He lacks the ability to hold a decent conversation. We could drive to Timbucktoo and he would stay absolutely silent the entire time. I am a stay at home mom and will be forever grateful to him for allowing me the chance to spend time with our children, but I spend my day with two kids under two who don't speak english, let alone any type of language that resembles english so to have someone to talk to...to have a conversation with would be amazing. I would want it to be my husband but he would rather watch TV and play X-box instead of trying to hold a conversation.

Is it a woman thing? Am I asking for too much from him? I feel like I can't relate to him anymore and my attraction towards him has diminished to nothing but a dim ember when there was once a fire raging out of control. I think I am a hopeless romantic, and I need romance and affection in order to feel truly appreciated and loved. I also need stimulating conversation and not just "Hi, how was your day" type of conversations. I want a man with substance and I've come to realize that he has very little. He has nothing to offer me anymore and I think he thinks he no longer has to try because we have children together. I used to do sweet things for him and I used to attempt to keep things between us fiery, but this woman has nothing left to give and I feel I have nothing to look forward to with him other then the joy of having our children together...

I cry all the time because I want so much more....I know I'm random and all over the place with what I'm saying, but all I really want is someone who wants me....and someone who gets me...he doesn't get me...He doesn't get anything...

Future goals...

I've always had goals, but because of my indecisiveness and inability to stick to one thing, I was never able to accomplish any of them. I think the problem was I never really knew what I wanted to do or to be when I became an adult. I would tell people this or that and it seemed to satisfy them and their curiosity of me, but I said what I thought sounded good, not necessarily what I wanted. I didn't even know what I wanted. So now, here I am 25, no degree, two kids and debt up to my eyeballs. I decided to finally sit down and make a list of goals. I'll put them down and try my hardest to make them become a reality and not just lose interest.

* Finish school (in nursing)
* Pay off debt
*Save something for the kids
* Get a house I can call my own
* Lose WEIGHT
* Be Happy... (my life's goal)

I want to be happy and just show my kids that life isn't always stressful (because I am ALWAYS stressed). Wish me luck and I hope I can pull through this time! No, I WILL accomplish my goals...It won't be in the speed of light, but they will be done...

Halloween

Halloween has come and gone! Can you believe it? Then the rest of the holidays will follow suit. Unfortunately, my girls weren't at all in any mood for Halloween.

The day was rainy and dreary so we took them to the mall which was filled with hundreds of ghouls, goblins, princesses, you name it, they had it! We carted our one ton double stroller through the winding sea of parents and children only to discover that most of the stores had run out of candy and were now passing out lotion samples and even tea bags. Yup, you heard me right! Tea bags!! I shouldn't complain though because my girls were absolutely the cutest little Minnie Mouse and Daisy Duck on the planet!

Even my nephew, Zed, could make a Snow Queen's heart melt. He was a monkey while his dad was The Man in the Yellow Hat from Curious George.

I'll admit, it wasn't the greatest Halloween, but still a very memorable one!Hope everyone had an awesome time!