Moment of Clarity

I didn't end up finishing the Master Cleanse. It was really bad. I guess I'll have to lose weight the old fashioned way..diet and exercise. There are no easy or quick fixes in life. That goes for weight and any other thing.

I'm writing this blog because today, I had a definitive moment of clarity. As difficult as it may have been to come to the realization, it needed to happen.

Jazzmon was the first and only best friend I had ever had. We hadn't known each other long, but we found quick friends in one another. She had suffered from PPD (post partum depression), as did I and we were both the same age.

Together, we could talk about anything. We were mischivious though. Always getting into trouble, but having fun at the same time. Then things between us changed. She moved further away, I started going to school and we began talking and seeing each other less and less.

A month passed by and neither one of us had spoken a word to each other. I never really saw her and we were barely keeping in touch. Please know that I am a terrible person at keeping in touch. It has always been a character flaw of mine. I'm not proud of it, but it's something I definitely need to work on.

I read something she posted on FB and that's when shit hit the fan. I texted her apologizing for being a bad friend because I hadn't kept in touch, but I have friends who I don't speak to in extended amounts of time and they haven't written me off...not yet anyway. LOL. I don't think I was ever a bad friend to her...EVER. She thinks I disposed of her when in reality, I just got busy and that's the truth. I know friends make time for one another, but between two kids and school, it was getting hard. Instead of understanding that, she thought I was just her friend when it was convenient...that because she no longer lived close by, I wasn't willing to put the effort into seeing her.

I don't know whose wrong or whose right, but she definitely said some hurtful things as well as wrote a post calling me her "ex maid of honor", for the world to see. In that post, she basically listed everything she had ever done for me..EVERYTHING and that's when the realization hit that she was never a genuine friend. You do things for those you love without expecting something in return. You don't keep tabs on the things you do for people because that just shows how genuine you really are. I did just as much for her as she did for me, but I'm not holding that against her. I didn't air out her dirty laundry on FB for anyone to see. I'm losing a friend, but gaining something in return...a better understanding of what it is I need to do when it comes to friends and people I associate myself with.

Jazzmon, although fun, brought out the worst in me. We did things I had never done EVER...and she encouraged it. She allowed me to go into a downward spiral. I'm not blaming her as I am an adult and have a mind of my own, but she and I weren't a good match from the beginning. We compared our lives and whose sucked more..LOL. Who DOES that?? We weren't positives in one another's lives and as much as it pains me to have to end a friendship in this manner..I realize now, that it's for the best.

People come into your life for a reason, whether it be good or bad. I've learned that regardless of what they do or have done to you, they leave an imprint on your heart...Jazzmon left an imprint...for sure...and taught me the true meaning of friendship.."You're as good as the company you keep," and it's good we aren't friends because you weren't good company. I'll be more cautious about who I hang out with and talk to now. She says she knows what kind of a person I am and who the true me really is now...She doesn't know me at all...I can be a great friend and I am a loving and caring person...I give my all to those I love...I AM a good person, Jazzmon, regardless of what you think. Yes, I did some things you may not have agreed upon, but you encouraged me to do those things in the beginning. You told me to go crazy as I recall. I changed when I met you...Alan was right...I don't blame you for what I did...instead I thank you...because of you...I'm going to be a better person and a better friend.

Lesson learned...good friends are hard to find...and bad friends are easy to let go...I just let mine go...and the burden of that friendship I no longer feel...she lost me...I didn't lose her...and that's going to definitely suck...ha!

The Master Cleanse aka The Lemonade Diet

After the holidays, I have been feeling quite hefty. I've decided that I need to jumpstart my weight loss regimen (like I have one), by detoxifying my entire body. I heard about this diet from my Dad who swears by it. Today will be my first day. I drank a laxative tea last night, but there have been no effects of that. I'll drink another cup of tea tonight and for breakfast, lemonade w/ maple syrup, cayenne pepper, water and lemons (of course). Wish me luck!

Weight: 208.8 (I gained 8 lbs. over the holidays!)

PS. This is just to detoxify my body. Afterwards, I fully intend on eating healthy and exercising! "Intend"...lol. Think positive thoughts! I'll post pictures later... =)

Confidence and self esteem

Confidence and self-esteem go hand in hand. You kinda can't have one without the other and from my past experiences in life, I can honestly say that I lack both.

I've been hurt, rejected, made fun of, you name it and being a sensitive person, things always seemed to hit me particularly hard. Harder than I would ever have liked to admit, but, as an adult now with children of my own, I really don't want them to feel the way I did growing up. I know people will always have insecurities, but I definitely DO NOT want my little girls to grow up thinking that they aren't "good enough" or "worth it" and that goes for every little girl out there!

Life is meant to be lived and to be loved. How can you love anyone or anything and how can you live you don't believe or love yourself?

I'm taking the necessary steps to better my outlook on life as well as myself and I hope and pray that as my girls grow, they will learn from mommy that they are indeed worth it....and nobody can make them feel any less than what they are which is completely and entirely wonderful!

Updates...

It's been a few months since I've last written and there have been a few changes. I'm really trying to lose weight like I promised I would. So far, I'm down 15 lbs. Some days it's more, some days less. I tend to fluctuate, which is why I don't rely too much on the scale and more on how my clothes are fitting me.

I signed up for a half marathon in October. I still have a long ways to go, but I figured since I'm so out of shape, I better play it safe and sign up for one that gives me time to prep myself.

Kaylee turned 1 on February 11th. However, as much as we would have liked to have a huge party for her, we didn't and still don't have much money. The poor baby was sick on her birthday with the stomach flu so that week was terrible for all of us because once one individual in the household gets the flu, EVERYONE gets it and that's exactly what happened. We DID however get her a few gifts, my sister bought her a cake and we celebrated her birthday that weekend with just family. It was nice....

I started school on January 26th, 2009. It's been great so far, but finding time to study has proven to be the hardest part, along with working out and caring for a family with three kids (my two daughters and my big baby hubby). I haven't done too great on my first tests, but I'm still trying to adjust to the new schedule. You'd think I'd have it figured out by now being a month later, but things seem to pop out of nowhere and I have no control over situations which is where the trouble for me lies.

Lastly...I've been thinking alot about life in general and how things never seem to go the way you expect or plan. I've also come to the realization that planning everything is highly overrated and sometimes you just have to take things as they come and try not to overanalyze situations because it only causes you more stress in the long run.

My final thoughts...(just randomness that I can't get out of my head)

Happiness is a state of mind and I'm still trying to get there...will I ever reach that state of mind or will what I think and how I feel always hinder myself from becoming a better, more happier individual??

I'm a writer...

I'm a writer. Always have been. I used to write stories as soon as I was able to even write. I even have a story from my 2nd grade writing contest and I wond a blue ribbon. It wasn't first place but I did get an honorable mention. Anyway...I've been writing for over a year now on this website...if anyone is interested at all in writing...this is an excellent place to do it. Try and sign up through me because it gets me brownie points..haha!

http://www.helium.com/users/357099

What I realized...

I've come to the realization that I have absolutely nothing remotely interesting to write about that anyone would ever or could ever be interested in. Everyday, I come across these amazing blogs owned by even more amazing bloggers (people) and I think to myself, "Why in the world am I blogging about my life when it isn't all that interesting?"

The answer is because interesting or not, my life to one person out there, just one, might not be all that boring. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it could be true. Someone has to go online reading all these blogs, come across my blog and say, "Hey, what an interesting blog." At least that's what I hope.

If, in any case, I am the only one who will ever read my everyday, stay at home mom rantings, then I will be fine with that. I mostly do these blogs to vent about my everyday life or just to brag about how beautiful a family I have. Haha. With that said, what I've realized is that I can wish to be someone who has done amazing and wonderful things like travel the globe, end world hunger, make this world a more peaceful place, but the truth of the matter is I write this blog to remind myself everyday (well, almost everyday) that I am an interesting person and I do have an interesting life...at least I do now because the two most important people in my world...my kids. They make this life far more interesting then it has ever been and for that I am grateful. That includes my "Zed" as well.

Being thin

I have always had a weight issue. Big, fat, whale...I have been called all these names and more. The sad thing about it is that the person usually calling me those names was me! I'm still having a hard time trying to get to a smaller size and it doesn't help when I love sugary sweets so much! I keep saying I'll cut back on the junk and exercise, but I never do! What happened to my motivation? It went right out the window with my relationship. Uggh. I'll lose weight...I just wish I knew when!